Thanks to the omniscient power of the internet, I recently reconnected with my best friend from middle school. My friend and I will forever share the bond of having spent roughly 87 percent of our seventh grade year in search of dirty magazines and effective places in which to cache them. But our present lives have somewhat less in common. He's an attorney, and I'm a … [Read more...]
Guys and squalls
My friend Morgan and I had planned to go backpacking this past weekend. But with Colorado's recent historic floods having shut down many auto routes into the mountains, heading west was clearly not in the cards. So, in light of the devastation that our communities had endured, we did what any caring, concerned citizens of the Centennial State would have done. We went to … [Read more...]
Moth brawls
My wife and I went camping over the weekend. Camping at Labor Day is an annual tradition of ours, dating all the way back to back when we began dating. Every year we fill the Subaru with enough food and gear to comfortably occupy a minor principality, and we drive---more or less exclusively in second gear---up to the mountains. We always look forward to this little weekend … [Read more...]
Run away train
Not long ago, I hired a personal trainer. If you're not familiar with personal training, it is an advanced stage of Stockholm syndrome in which the hostage pays his or her captor to supervise his or her own torture. I am, of course, kidding: my trainer is exemplary and has more patience than a mildly sedated Tibetan monk. You know those cooking shows where teams are challenged … [Read more...]
Dear H&M,
I represent a quiet minority that your store refuses to recognize and continues to marginalize. I have visited your downtown Denver location several times since its grand opening, and each time, I have left in disappointment and shame. It is time that our voices are heard. I speak, of course, of the hidden, huddled masses who suffer from what are known as quadriceps and … [Read more...]
Things that still perplex me
I turn 35 this year. I thought I'd have things at least kind of figured out at this point. But nope, I'm still as confused as ever: When I sleep on my right side, just where the hell am I supposed to put my right forearm? When I order coffee to-go in a paper cup, why do I still have to jam a paperclip or pen into that little pinhole to get the coffee to come out? Did plastic … [Read more...]
Eye soar
Don't be jealous, but I kind of rocked my eye exam last week. I always get nervous when I have to do the eye tests, especially the peripheral vision game. That's the one where you stare straight ahead at a little dot on a screen, and then every time you detect some wavy lines in your field of vision, you click a handheld device that resembles the lovechild of an original Mac … [Read more...]
Dear restaurants,
Here are a few words and phrases that you need to stop using on menus: World-famous: While I do not doubt the esteem with which your cinnamon rolls and pie are held throughout this particular congressional district, it seems unlikely that someone in, say, Cambodia would recognize them in a photo. President Obama is world-famous. Your confection is not. Mixed … [Read more...]
Dear cooking shows,
Please show me more of these Tips Techniques Demonstrations Ideas Product reviews And fewer of these Attractive, wealthy people hanging out in a backyard … [Read more...]
